Languages of Love: Affirmation and The Sense of Hearing

Another way to talk about words of Affirmation, a way that is less psychological, would be to talk about blessing.  Unfortunately, the word bless is loaded with religious undertones.  The word in Latin is "Benedicere" which means, literally, "to say the good."  Affirmation can be undertaken as a kind of method - which quickly comes across as unnatural.  And the problem, in my opinion, is the objective.  Affirmation can be executed as a form of flattery with a goal to build the other person up, or to gain their trust/good graces.  Blessing, on the other hand, is completely "extra," if you will.  To say the good to someone or about someone simply because you love them is true affirmation.

Why is it so hard for some people to speak the good?  Why is it so hard for some people to hear good things spoken to them or about them?  If our sense of touch, which I wrote about in my last post, is the sensation closest to the material cause, closest to the body, closest to reality in a very concrete way, our sense of hearing is closest to our heart in a very affective way.  We've all heard the saying, "Sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me!"  But let us honestly admit that words can hurt us much more profoundly than sticks or stones.  Here is where we can discover once again the basic ethical requirement of words spoken.  Once again, respect is a basic necessity even when it comes to words.

If I love someone, I realize that their words, and what they say to me, carry much more weight and significance than someone else.  Even the sound of the voice of someone I love has deeper access to my heart than a stranger or acquaintance.  So, if I realize the kind of influence someone else's voice and words can have on my feelings, I can begin to discover the importance of my own words and vocal inflection in the lives of other people.  And we find again that respectful vocal expression is fundamental in an ethical relationship.  Respect is fundamental for true human relationships, but insufficient for a loving relationship.  Respect is avoiding doing wrong to another person, but love pushes us to go beyond respect - love drives us to form a communion with the person whom we love.  And this communion - within a personal relationship - is based on respect and built with truth and love.

We need words that respectfully communicate truth and love to form this communion.  And if the communion that we form with someone we love is based on respect, the love that we express is based on truth.  Truth without love becomes intolerable in a personal relationship.  And love, without truth, loses its strength.  So words, which have intelligible and affective dimensions, are able to communicate both truth and love.  And words of affirmation speak the truth about that which is good in such a way as to communicate our love for someone.  "I love you," when spoken with intelligence and not mere passion is the greatest and most concrete phrase of affirmation.  To say you love someone, and to say it with intelligence, is to say it based on a discernment of their goodness.  It is the other person, existentially, who draws me out of myself, who makes me vulnerable, and whom I trust with my vulnerability.  That is why it can be hard to say, "I love you."  Being attracted to someone is one thing, showing them that you care is another thing, but going so far as to put into words the vulnerability you experience in their presence requires a great deal of trust and a personal choice.  Saying "I love you," is saying, "You are good.  And your goodness is such that my life is altered by you because of your goodness."  "I love you," is the blessing, the "benedicere" par excellence.

Now, it isn't just a matter of "what" you say, as we all know, it is a matter of "how" you say it.  Here we could imagine a whole slew of scenes where we try to say, "I love you," perfectly.  I am not suggesting, however, that saying "I love you," sincerely has to do with any kind of performance or public speaking expertise.  Saying "I love you," sincerely doesn't even have to do with adding on a passionate or romantic twist.  Saying "I love you," truthfully, means saying it because I recognize that the person I love gives meaning to my life.  Saying "I love you," is saying "You give meaning to my life, and I am grateful to you for that."  Saying "I love you," then, requires an act of intelligence in order to be said truthfully.

More could be said about how "hearing goodness spoken," is the second love language, and how it depends not only on the content of what is said, but also on the manner and intention.  However, I would like to examine one more properly philosophical point before bringing this little reflection to a close: the efficient cause a mode of the final cause.

The efficient cause in philosophy is one of the five causes, and it has to do with the origin of a movement, or the start of something.  The efficient cause answers the question, "Where did it come from?"  Our sense of hearing is especially well suited to respond to this question.  When you hear something move, you might not know what it is, what it is made of, or what it is for, but you can have an idea of where the movement originates.  And a voice is a sound that originates somewhere as well.  Physically, the sound originates in the voice box and with the vibration of the vocal cords, but the origin of the meaning of the sound is not physical.  The origin of the sound is indeed the soul, and not just any faculty of the soul, but the intelligence.  Our intellect is what gives meaning to the sounds we produce with our vocal cords.  So, the voice is a meaningful sound which originates in the intellect - as regards its formal content - but we could also look deeper and see that we speak not because we have to, but because we choose to.  So the deepest origin of the voice is the will - the deepest origin of the voice is the heart.  Sometimes we even say, "I'm speaking from the heart," in order to drive that point home.  And indeed, words spoken from the heart, cut straight to the heart.  Hearing someone truly say, "I love you," is an invitation to receive them at a deeply personal level - and a deeply personal revelation.  What is hidden at the origin of a man's actions and words - his mind and heart - are made "tangible" to the ears, and this is the sense of hearing.