The Languages of Love

Love, is it just a word?  Is it just a feeling?  With love in our lives, everything makes sense - we have direction and a sense of purpose.  But when it disappears, nothing makes sense anymore...  Can we trust ourselves when we love someone?  Does our life have any profound meaning if we opt out of love?

A friend of mine just told me recently that he broke up with his girlfriend of over a year.  Some of us might be tempted to say, "Welcome to the club, kid."  But how far can we take this bitter attitude before love and faithfulness appear to be nothing more than a beautiful myth at best, and a sorry joke at worst?    Indeed, the club of the broken hearted becomes a counter-witness to the very stirrings of love.  You hear people say, "I've been in a relationship like that before - and I won't be making that mistake again."  And yet, how difficult it is to truly grasp someone else's defects before all their charm wears off.  And how often people who have been in a "destructive" relationship tend to move on only to find themselves in another "destructive" relationship.

Of course, when things don't work out, we like to play the blame game.  Who is to blame?  ...Who isn't to blame?  And that depends on a lot of things of course.  If you are being abused for example, please don't make up excuses for the one who is abusing you.  Abuse is not just physical of course, it can also be verbal, or psychological.  I've often wondered if manipulation is a form of abuse, and I think that even manipulation could be considered abuse, but only when it is conscious.  Unconscious manipulation is something we all do to a greater or lesser extent because of our selfishness.  Children are a good example of unconscious manipulation.  They try everything to get what they want, and then they continue using behavior that works because it allows them to continue to get what they want.  Manipulation could also be called, "pushing someone's buttons," which is a form of abuse when it is done consciously.  When it is done unconsciously, and the manipulative person is able to realize that their words or deeds are manipulative, they are then able to chose another form of behavior.  There are still other kinds of manipulative personalities that are problematic though, and they would be the compulsively manipulative kinds of personalities.  And people who are compulsively manipulative, though it may be unconscious, could indeed create an abusive relationship if the other person is unable to rise above their tactics - which requires a certain level of emotional detachment and intelligence.  Unfortunately, I think we could all classify ourselves as unconsciously and compulsively manipulative to a greater or lesser extent.  So... what to do... what to do...

Well... if we are manipulating someone, it is because we are trying to get something from them that they did not necessarily intend to give.  Or it is because we are trying to get them to say something that they did not really intend to say.  Manipulation is getting someone to do what you want them to do whether or not they really want to do it.  Putting enough pressure in the right places to get them to move, in total disregard of their own personal freedom.  And when it comes to love, we can become very manipulative.  Being the reason for/cause of someone else's actions or words can very closely resemble being the meaning/purpose of their lives.

The problem comes in when, after a certain amount of time together, two people who loved each other feel as if "The love is gone" (to quote the Muppet's Christmas Carol.)  This is the moment when we feel as if we have to resort to manipulation to get from the other person what we feel we need to be able to continue in the relationship.  And if manipulation is the only way left, it not only poses a  problem for our conscience, but for our very existence.  It is intolerable to continue to chose to live next to someone, as a companion, for whom our own existence does not seem important.  If a husband feels like he is uninteresting, unimportant, or of no great significance in the eyes of his wife, how long can he continue like that?  And how long can they continue like that if the feeling is mutual?  Especially if the children are grown and gone, and there is nothing left to distract their lives from that painful reality!

If both persons want the relationship to work, but can't seem to get it to work, there is an interesting guide that Dr. Gary Chapman came up with.  He writes and teaches something he calls the "Five Love Languages."  While the approach is above all psychological, I think it merits a philosophical analysis as well.  Love is not just affective, it also requires an act of intelligence.  True love requires a cooperation between one's mind and one's heart, where the mind becomes the servant of love.

In future blogs, I would like to examine each of the five love languages according to Gary Chapman (physical touch, kind words, quality time, gift giving, and service), to see if these intuitions can help us understand the affective dimension of the human person more profoundly.  For example, why are there only five love languages?  Could there be more?  Is there a connection between one's senses and the love languages?  Does God use all five love languages to communicate with us?