Languages of Love: Physical Touch

So what can we say about the ties between the sense of touch and the emotional love language called "Physical Touch?"

One of the first things we teach children is about the right and wrong kinds of touch.  Indeed, the love language that communicates by means of physical touch requires a basis of respect.  Children have to learn that hitting, biting, scratching, etc. are not the kinds of physical touch that favor or foster a relationship with another person.  The body of a human person is not just a physical object, it is a personal reality.  The more I come to know and love someone, the more I recognize that their body is precious because of who they are.  Physical touch, as a language of love, must begin as a language of respect and grow into a language of tenderness, and in one special case - marriage - the language of physical touch is a language of intimacy.  As soon as physical touch loses its personal quality - as soon as the intellect shifts to seeing the body of the other person as a thing rather than as a someone - that touch can no longer communicate love.  Now, obviously, for those who are already well versed in this love language, the importance of these gestures of tenderness is clear.

But for those of us who do not speak this love language, we find ourselves at the fundamental level, which is physical respect.  And the basic tenant of physical respect involves not touching another person unless they need help, or are in danger.  But as a love language, physical touch is merely based on respect as its foundation.  In order to actually "speak" the love language of physical touch one must actually learn how our gestures of touching or caressing another person can communicate love.  It is also important to mention that tenderness is not foreplay.  Tender gestures are not an open invitation to intimate gestures, and do not necessarily call for them.  Tenderness can communicate a personal love by  the sense of touch.

Love, when it is true, is personal.  That means - among other things - that it depends upon the person. The love that I have for each person whom I love is unique.  No two loves are exactly the same, and in this sense, no two pats on the back are exactly the same.  The knowledge I have of the person whom I love will determine in part my physical gestures of tenderness towards them.  A tender physical touch does not aim for some effect other than to communicate - based on a foundation of respect - how precious the other person is to us.  This basis of respect means that a tender gesture is never imposed, that it can be spontaneous but is entirely relative to the other person.  A tender gesture is not possessive or overbearing.

The gesture of physical touch, as a means of communicating "I love you" to someone requires an act of intelligence.  It is not a purely passionate gesture, and that is why I like bringing in the aspect of intelligence.  Our will is our faculty that undergoes attraction at a spiritual level, but it is only by cooperating with our intelligence that it is able to choose.  Our intellect is "responsible" for what we choose to love.  Emotions and passions tend to muddle our thoughts, and can even condition our actions to the point that we act without intelligence.  So the gesture of physical touch that communicates love is not a cold gesture, nor is it a passionate gesture - it is a means, chosen intelligently, to communicate a kind of respect-filled love and awe.  The gesture of physical touch communicates to the one we love that our respect and true appreciation for their person is not abstract, but that it is concrete.

The sense of touch is the sensation most immediately connected with knowledge of the material cause.  When we touch something, in other words, we have a special knowledge of what it is made of.  On the affective side of things, obviously we are going to speak of the final cause as being the principle of attraction.  And since the final cause is the cause of causes (act is before potency) even the material cause - furthest from the finality and closest to what limits and conditions us - exists by the final cause.  The body of a human person is not just a shell, it is not "the soul's garment," it is not a prison, nor is it anything impersonal.  The body is personal, and that is why we can use gestures of physical touch to communicate personal love.